Joseph, meeting girls is about to get a whole lot easier.
They've all got to go to the bathroom sometime,
and now they'll have to go right by us.
Tell me honestly, is this hat cool?
My dad says it's cool.
Is it cool?
So, what brings you ladies here today, hmm?
We're not coming out until you leave!
As most of you know,
next quarter will be the first time
you get to take electives.
Electives are classes that you elect to take
and you are not forced to take.
I elect to take...
Nothing!
Man, Alejandro is so smooth.
Hey, this might be just what we need.
Think about it.
Why do guys like us keep striking out
with the ladies?
Because I'm weird,
and you're chubby and kind of dumb?
Don't be ridiculous.
It's because we've had the same girls
in the same classes since the first grade.
Every girl here has heard all my jokes
and remembers you pooting during
the racial tolerance assembly.
What we need to do is find a class with a lot of girls.
Girls that don't know us very well.
Yeah. We could pretend we're from the future...
: And we need to experiment on them.
Wait, this is why girls don't like me, right?
Hey, Dad,
what elective should I take,
Peer Counseling or Hawaiian dance?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I humbly offer taro to your village.
Peggy, the boy.
Bobby, honey, not now!
What are we talking about?
Okay, I'll take peer counseling.
"The peer counseling program
is a way for teens to help teens or..."
heh, "tweens in the complicated world they find themselves,
through one-on-one dialogs and active listening."
Oh, God.
It's all about when kids have problems,
they talk them out with other kids.
Bobby, no good ever came from kids
talking to other kids about their problems.
Sweet, Lord, they've got auto shop,
in middle school!
Done deal.
But I want to meet girls.
I don't think there are girls in auto shop.
You've got to think long term, Bobby.
Auto shop is where boys become the men
that girls will want when they become women.
It worked for me.
The proof is in the pudding,
and I am that pudding.
So Bobby is taking auto shop.
That is so great! Wingo! Good for you, man.
Yep, I'll buy him an old junker car,
then we can restore it together.
We'll stay up late fixing her up,
just me and my boy.
Then one day when we're all finished,
Bobby'll get in that car and he'll drive away,
and then I can die a happy man.
Yep.
Mm, yep.
Mm-hmm.
That's actually kind of sad, Hank.
Auto shop! Auto shop!
Are you sure this is a good idea?
No, but my dad says it's one of those things
that'll make sense later.
I'm getting tired of those things.
Ribs!
Hey, Bobby!
What class is this?
Chick class?
It's Peer Counseling.
I read a story on the Internet
that started just like this.
It ended nicely.
Give me a minute.
My dad might be wrong on this one.
Isn't your dad gonna be mad?
Oh, it's football season.
I'm way off his radar.
Hi. I'm April, class advisor.
It's going to be great to have some boys on staff.
In case any guys ever decide
to admit they have feelings.
I'm having all kinds of feelings right now.
Leave. Now. The both of you.
I am shocked at your behavior!
Can't you see we are here to heal?
Uh, uh, oh, man, gir... uh...
Dang.
It's false advertising.
This car was supposed to be a junker,
but it's in moderate to good condition.
The problem is, all our used cars
now decorate Hard Rock Cafes.
Oh, you boys must be here
about my car.
Oh, uh,
I'm looking for something that needs a little more work.
Sorry to, uh, make you... stand.
Oh, God, she's still coming at us.
Run!
Okay, who could tell me some major issues
affecting kids your age?
Depression!
Drugs and alcohol!
They took away our vending machines!
That was off the hook, you guys!
Off the hook!
Now, the most important rule to remember is
that you can't give any advice to your patients, okay?
Great. So if we're all clear on that,
let's try an active listening exercise.
Hi. My name is Mary Seventh Grader,
and I feel bad about the body images
presented by television and magazines.
Amazing!
This face says I care.
I'm listening.
I can help you without giving any advice.
Now, here are your clients.
Jenny Medina is on this list!
I've always wanted to go out with her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bobby.
Jenny Medina is off-limits.
So are all the other student-slash-clients.
Yeah, right.
April, Connie here is under the impression
that we're not allowed to date our clients.
Is that true?
It's absolutely true.
But what if a client really, really likes you
and you really, really like her,
and you both agree to be cool about it?
These girls are vulnerable,
and you're in a position of power.
You don't want to take advantage of that.
Do you?
Well...
What about the other counselors?
Can I date them?
No clients, no counselors.
Are we clear on that, everybody?
Nobody can date anybody they meet here.
Okay, now, group hug.
Oh, Bobby,
maybe you should hug yourself.
So, you can't date any of them?
No.
Maybe I could still get into Hawaiian dance.
Apparently their culture appreciates people my size.
It's closed out.
You're gonna end up in metal shop with me.
Like this!
It sucks.
It's all full of dudes and sharp things.
I guess I'll just have to help people.
Bobby, Jenny Medina is here.
I'll send her back.
Oh, my God, Jenny Medina!
Aren't you supposed to say something or something?
I think you're supposed to say something or something.
Okay, so I got invited to Debbie Reid's slumber party, right?
I mean, like, so what? I fell asleep first, and then
I woke up with my hand in a bowl of hot water.
Do you think I should tell people
that her father's an alcoholic?
Oh, I'm sorry, I can only, um, listen,
and not tell you what to do.
I think I'm gonna tell people her father's an alcoholic.
Wow, I feel kind of better.
Can I make another appointment?
Really? With me?
Yeah.
Bobby Medina.
Aren't you the kid they had to cut out of the soccer net?
Uh...
I have to debate capital punishment next period,
but I totally don't care... should I ditch?
I can't tell you what to do.
Only you can tell you what to do.
If I knew what to do, I wouldn't be here!
Now, tell me what to do!
Uh, ditch!
If you say so.
Hey, Bobby!
You were so right.
I was?
I ditched... and it felt so good to ditch,
I ditched the whole day.
Hey, I might ditch tomorrow.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
Bobby, do something!
Dooley, I don't think you want to beat up Randy.
I think you just want someone to notice your new shoes.
They are pretty nice.
They're new.
Don't you want to let him go? 're new.
Bobby, you saved Randy's life.
I did.
These hands.
This brain.
I have the gift.
Dang ol' axle's busted.
Ol' engine's cracked too, man.
That ol' head gasket blown,
and dang ol' just a piece of junk, man.
It doesn't even have wheels.
Is this even a vehicle?
We've found Bobby's car.
You should've seen me with Dooley,
taking charge, setting him straight.
You know, when I was just doing the listening thing,
I was pretty good, but now that I'm giving advice,
I'm changing lives.
Bobby, you're not supposed to give advice.
Connie, you must be so tired
of having to follow the rules all the time.
But I know why you do it.
You want your father to love you like the son he really wanted.
But you can only be who you are.
Yeah, I know.
I can't turn this off!
Well, I can't wait to see
the look on Bobby's face
when he sees this baby.
Nobody touches it.
Can I just replace the sump gasket?
It's right there,
and I'm right here. No.
Man, just let me dang ol' tighten
that dang 'ol needle bearing right there.
No. Damn it, Hank.
Can we at least pick the flowers
in the manifold? No.
This is Bobby's car and he's gonna be the one to fix it.
Problems don't take the weekend off
and neither should I.
So, if you wanted to talk on Saturday night,
say, at the movies, I'd be happy to clear my schedule.
Do you mean like a date?
Well, sometimes putting a label on things is helpful.
So, if you're more comfortable with terms like "dating"
and "boyfriend" or"making out,"
well, you're the patient.
Bobby, I've got a problem.
You know, I was just thinking about the brain.
Fascinating organ.
It's your biggest organ.
Did you know that?
Um, I think it's your skin.
Well, maybe that's one of your problems.
You don't give your brain the respect it deserves.
Wow. That's deep.
It really is.
Okay, so the problem is my boyfriend.
Boyfriend issues. Juicy.
You need to dump his ass!
But I didn't even tell you about my problems yet.
He doesn't call enough.
He won't read your notes.
It all comes down to "he doesn't think you're all that."
And you are, Stacey.
Thanks, Bobby.
So you really think I'm really "all that"?
Yeah, sure, why not?
Now, back to my brain.
Hey, Dad, I...
What the heck is that?
I didn't know if you were a Ford man or a Chevy man.
It was the happiest problem I've ever faced.
You bought me a car? Yep.
Now, let's put that auto-shop training to work!
What tool can I get for you?
A... hammer.
A hammer?
Boy, have you been sleeping through auto shop
or are you being funny?
Uh, you know, Dad, I think your obsession with auto shop
stems from your unresolved feelings about your father.
And, perhaps, we should explore some of those feelings.
Bobby, you know how I "explore" my feelings?
I fix my truck or your mother's car.
When Mr. Dauterive's wife left him,
we tuned up his Escort.
And when that little fella from the Fantasy Island died,
we put the ant on top of Dale's van.
Well, that's one path.
But if I took Peer Counseling, I could...
Trust me, Bobby, when you're stuck
on the side of the road with your girlfriend,
and you can do more than ask your carburetor how it feels,
you'll be glad you took auto shop.
Okay.
...and that is why I like air.
Okay, who's next?
Stacey Gibson.
I know all of you were expecting
to hear my report on the Desert Peccary,
but I've decided to do my report on another pig, Tony Hesperia,
also known as Bastardis Boyfriendus.
She's my client.
That's right, Tony.
This relationship is extinct!
But I'll be fine,
because I've made a new discovery...
Good "I" statements.
...Bobby Hill, an Awsomeus Guyis.
His characteristics are caring and compassion.
He's so sweet and loving,
and he's always there for me when I need him.
You're there for people.
Bobby, talking with you has been the best thing
in my whole entire life.
This is for you.
* If you wanna be with me *
* Baby, you don't need to pay *
* I'm your Stacey in a bottle *
* You gotta rub me the right way! *
Let's not make a scene.
B-o-b-b-y! I ain't got no alibi!
I love you!
Hi, Bobby!
I was thinking about you at lunch,
so I went home and I burned you some mix CDs.
I didn't know if you had a player,
so I bought you a Discman.
Do you want to pick out our song?
It wouldn't be right for me to accept the CDs.
But maybe I can meet you halfway and keep the Discman.
Thanks.
Hey, you know what I realized?
We have, like, no pictures together.
You want to go to Sears, geta bunch taken?
Uh... Stacey, here is the thing.
As a counselor, my ethics mean everything to me.
And since I'm already dating one of my clients...
But... I broke up with Tony to date you.
I can't believe you did this to me!
I hear and respect your anger.
This isn't over, Bobby!
Bobby, you've got a drop-in patient.
Hey.
Sometimes I have these really weird urges
to, like, burn stuff down.
Now is not the time.
I think Stacey Gibson is stalking me.
No way. You've got a stalker?
This is serious.
You could probably make out with her.
Um, Stacey Gibson is here to see you.
Run.
She's gonna take me down with you.
April, you gotta help me.
I'm having problems with one of my patients.
It's an eating disorder, right?
Which way is it going, in or out?
No, it's just that this one girl, Stacey,
has gotten way too attached to me.
I've got a big date with Jenny Medina Saturday night.
I don't need this hanging over my head.
Wait, Jenny's a client.
You're dating one of your clients?
I told you not to do that!
Yeah, well, that cow's out of the barn, April.
You've got to help me.
Listen, I already dinged Principal Moss's car,
I don't need this.
You're on your own.
Bobby.
Oh, hey, Jenny. I'm looking forward to...
Bobby, people are saying that you drove Stacey Gibson crazy.
And I'm not looking for that right now.
Is everything okay, Bobby?
You haven't even touched your butter.
What was that?
Great dinner, Mom.
Wow! What is this?
Pepper? Delicious.
Is that Dale throwing eggs at our house again?
No, it's a girl.
That's one of my patients.
Patients? I didn't take Auto Shop, Dad.
I took Peer Counseling instead.
Oh, the hammer.
Of course, I was so stupid.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I was counseling this girl Stacey
and I told her to dump her boyfriend because he was...
Well, I don't know what he was, but now
she's stalking me.
Bobby, meet me in the garage.
Excuse me, young lady?
Hey. Nice shot.
I'll do it again.
Looks like you've got a few more eggs there.
Why don't you go ahead and throw 'em,
then when you're done, come on into the garage.
Stacey, here's a socket wrench.
I'm going to ask you to refrain
from hitting Bobby with it.
Take off that distributor cap.
And, Bobby, find something metal and tighten it.
Just tell me, Bobby.
Why do you like Jenny Medina better than me?
Well, I guess Jenny validated me in certain...
Bobby, I want you to tighten that bolt.
You're gonna need that wrench Stacey's holding.
Uh, Stacey, can I borrow that wrench?
I guess so.
I'm sorry if I led you on,
but I don't feel that way about you.
You're turning that the wrong way, Bobby.
You know, I think I'm going to try
to get back together with Tony.
That's probably a good idea.
I was wondering, though,
what was it about me that you found so irresistible?
I think it was the power.
The power? That's it?
I don't know what else it could have been.
Thanks, Mr. Hill.
If you have any problems
patching things up with your boyfriend,
we're rebuilding the starter tomorrow.
Now I've got nothing.
I'm kicked out of Peer Counseling.
No girls. Nothing.
You know what you've got?
A car.
As soon as we fix this baby up,
you'll be fighting 'em off with a stick.
Look, I took this off.
Was it supposed to come off?
No, son.
But no girls have to know that, right?
It'll stay in the garage.
Now back to my brain.